Love In Toronto

"He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me..."

When one is seeing someone or simply interested in someone, s/he can go into a thought frenzy: Does s/he like me? Is s/he trustworthy? S/he talked to so-and-so today; does that mean s/he likes him/her? However, the worst thing one could possibly do when s/he is in like is to analyze. Unless someone is your boyfriend or girlfriend and is acting shady, don’t analyze!

One should not draw conclusions from another person’s actions while the latter person is single; many things can be interpreted the wrong way. These include mind games and playing the field. For instance, one’s trying to determine one’s level of loyalty is nearly impossible when one is single. Many people keep their options open, because they are uncertain of their love interests’ intentions and how long they’ll stick around. Moreover, many of my past admirers have flirted with all the women in the vicinity when they thought that I was uninterested. While this did result in making me jealous, as intended, I determined that the men I was so keen on weren’t 100% interested in me and were likely to cheat in a relationship; I was wrong!

One’s communicating with a friend of the opposite sex can also be misconstrued as flirting; if you are the jealous type, try to keep your envy in check so that you can read the situation thoroughly and accurately. Furthermore, if someone hits on your love interest, don’t fret; either make your interest known or if it has been established already, be consistent with your affection, and you have nothing to lose. Besides, you can’t guarantee that the apple of your eye is interested in the new person pursuing him/her either.

Moreover, if one’s object of admiration is a flirt, this tendency does not necessarily mean that s/he will cheat. I know a few men whom I would absolutely trust with my life, and they’ve flirted with many women even while in a relationship. Besides, there is always the chance that someone who is very flirtatious will quit his/her doting ways when dating someone.

The moral of the story is that jumping to conclusions is inaccurate and will only cause you unnecessary stress, especially while single and reading into your crush’s actions.

While certain behaviours may be flat-out red flags, like someone’s admitting to being someone’s other man or woman, others are perfectly harmless and should not be dissected. You’ll save yourself time and worry by not sweating the insignificant details. Only worry about such issues when you are in a relationship.

It’s immature and backstabbing. It’s shocking and completely out of one’s control.

Everyone has people in their lives with whom they are not the most agreeable. But what does one do when a friend or acquaintance attempts to ruin his/her lovelife?

Here are some tips on how to deal with such treachery:

Step 1: Eliminate the Perpetrator.

Even though you may have had some fun times with this shady character and may have grown fond of him/her, s/he is guaranteed to repeat the same mistake. This painstaking occurrence has proven that your once-comrade is in fact untrustworthy and even though s/he may apologize and promise not to do it again, you’re putting your fate in his/her hands. Do you really want that? In fact, this revelation of character also means that perhaps your “friend” will deceive you in other ways as well. Removing all contact with this person not only means you won’t have to deal with such ploys in the future, but that the current situation won’t escalate further. On a side note, you might want to delete and/or block said person on your accounts on social networking sites like Facebook; this way, s/he will not be able to contact anyone in your social circle, including your significant other.

Step 2: Explain to Your Sweetie.

When a former pal tries to delete the trust between you and your other half, your mate may need some reassurance of who remains to be the genuine person – you or your two-timing buddy. Clarification of the situation may aid you in regaining your partner’s confidence in yourself and repair the relationship. However, if s/he flees, chalk it up to your ex not being understanding enough to be with you.

Step 3: Clear Your Name

If unpleasant rumours have surfaced about you to your family or friends, attempt to clear up the issue immediately. That way, all your relationships can go back to normal, not just your romantic one.

Most importantly, when such an unexpected and hurtful thing occurs, one must not take it personally. Everyone has disloyal friends. The motives for their actions are unknown – some may stem from insecurity, jealousy, greed, and so forth – but they most likely have nothing to do with anything you did. Some people just cannot be trusted. Period.

With that said, I hope that no one ever has to go through such an awful experience. Not only is it a nuisance, but it is disappointing to discover that one’s friends are not really friends at all. Remember: friends care about your happiness and your well-being. Some may say they do, while others really do. Don’t fret. There are better and more reliable pals out there!

This problem is as widespread as it is baffling by those who are victims of it. Usually one will think that a love interest is not into them when s/he has been turned down after expressing interest in the heartthrob, but the truth of the matter is that the forward gesture of affection was a turn-off. This kind of rejection does not mean that the suitor is not romantically desirable to the person being chased; it just means that s/he might have been scared away. To prevent this kind of rejection, use subtler strategies when courting a crush.

Readers, beware: there is a time and a place for more direct approaches, as there are environments when low-key methods are necessary. Bars and clubs are great for direct flirting; people expect to be picked up there, and many people who go there are actually looking for some type of commitment, serious or not. On the other hand, work and school are places where discreet tactics are necessary. Because you encounter your crush here on a daily basis, there is a lot more at risk; your reputation and a healthy friendship with your interest may be on the line.

The following are tips for being low-key while flirting:

If you go to school with your interest:
-If you barely know the person or s/he has caught your eye from a mile away, find a reason to talk to them. Think of a question you can ask – whether it is about the homework, the time the class meets each week, or when the next day off of school is – and ask your crush. Once he or she has replied, you have an opportunity to make conversation with him/her as you would with one of your friends.
-When a test approaches, ask your crush if s/he is prepared for it. If s/he says no, ask if s/he’d like to study together. If s/he is ready for the exam, claim you don’t understand a concept or two, even if you really do, and ask if s/he wouldn’t mind studying together. This gives you two an opportunity to socialize; just don’t forget to actually make some time for studying!
-Ask him/her to be your partner for group assignments. This hints that you like/desire his/her company but isn’t overly forward.

If you work together:
-Ask your crush when his/her break is. This hints that you’d like to spend your break together.
-Before grabbing a coffee for yourself after work, ask your interest if s/he’d like anything. If s/he tags along, it is a good sign.
-If you have questions, refer many of them – but not all – to your crush. After all, you don’t want to overwhelm him/her with attention.

Subtle approaches work well on people one hardly knows. Straight-forward approaches don’t have to be ruled out of the equation, but remember that there is a certain context where they work best. Furthermore, if you feel your crush isn’t responsive to your subtle cues, don’t take offense. Perhaps s/he isn’t picking up on your hints and is interpreting your actions as you being friendly. In that case, a more direct approach may be in order – but be prepared for either a good or a bad outcome.

No matter how common these treacherous ploys may be, they manage to baffle us all. One may think someone is intrigued by him/her, and then feel disappointed, hurt, or even confused by signs that s/he’s not. However, as opposed to movies such as He’s Just Not That into You would have one think, not all people are 100% courageous or 100% open about their feelings. Therefore, it is understandable and only human to play mind games sometimes.

Some people do it for fun. Others do it because they are shy. Either way, mind games are common between people who are fond of each other romantically – even among adults. Thus, if your intuitive instincts are telling you that someone is attracted you in a non-platonic sense, don’t let a minor slip convince you otherwise.

Moreover, if you are playing games with someone, expect him or her to play them back with you. Only complete openness on your end would allow him or her to reciprocate affection. In fact, sometimes people don’t even realize that they are playing mind games. Sometimes not opening up about your feelings or not being flirty can be considered playing mind games. Therefore, don’t fret. All hope is not lost if the object of your affection playfully teases you a bit, or if s/he is undisclosed about the way s/he feels towards you.

Contrary to popular belief, many – but not all – daters enjoy mind games. They like the “thrill of the chase”, and don’t want to take a route into a relationship that is too unchallenging. Therefore, one should not over-analyze his/her interest’s actions. Not all negative interactions should be perceived as such; one must read between the lines. Eventually, however, the mind games must end if the two plan to be in an exclusive relationship together. Feelings must be revealed in order for romantic unions to take place – after all, minds cannot be read.

Online dating is great for people who don’t have the time to go out to places where they can meet potential dates. However, people should still be sceptical of people whom they encounter virtually; with a plethora of people comes a plethora of risks – and no, I am not only referring to pedophilia.

Meeting people through the internet can be hazardous. Not only does the possibility exist for online daters to lie about their age or their looks, but they also have the possibility to lie about their intentions. However, the following guide should be a useful tool in helping those on the dating scene determine how serious a suitor is about dating him/her:

“Looking for”: Often times dating websites (such as www.PlentyOfFish.com) give their members the option of listing the type of relationship they are seeking. If you’re looking for a serious, monogamous relationship, seek someone who is looking for the same. Beware of people who are looking for “dating”; because this term is so vague, people who claim they are looking for “dating” may attempt to mask the fact that they are not looking for a serious commitment. In fact, a few of my companions who have listed this aim on their profiles on dating websites are now in open relationships.

Chemistry Results: Some websites, such as Plenty of Fish, allow their members to fill out a questionnaire, which in turn produces chemistry results. These chemistry results – which include such facts as one’s degree of confidence, self-control, easygoingness, family orientation, and openness – are then visible by other daters. By viewing one’s chemistry results, one is able to tell whether or not someone is trustworthy, and if this potential date is compatible with him or herself.

Relationship Status: Daters, beware. One of my friends was part of a dating website, and a man who sent her a message turned out to be married. If you’re looking for something lasting, take heed of your interests’ relationship status.

Age and Picture: Be cautious of people whose pictures of themselves don’t correspond with their posted age. Plenty of people have contacted my friends online who looked two or three decades older than the ages they claimed to be.

Webcam: On a final note, to make sure the object of your E-affection is not a fraud, check to see if he or she has a webcam. If your interest does, view them on it at least once before meeting in person. That way, you can be certain that danger does not anticipate you on your date.

Online dating can provide one with a variety of dating options and may be worth one’s while. However, it is important to always be critical of those one meets online and to watch out for one’s own safety. By one learning to differentiate between the unreliable and the genuine people, he or she may come closer to finding his or her dream mate.

Photographer: Roberto Petillo

Everyone has their preconceived notions about dating, but is there a difference between one’s beliefs and the truth? The answer to this question is yes; sometimes one’s insecurities lead him or her to believe things which are not, in fact, reality. Below are some questionable behaviours displayed by a love interest that are often times nothing to worry about:

Him/her hitting on other people
-Although this action seems sketchy, if you two are not officially a couple yet, most of the time this is nothing over which to worry. A lot of the time people like to keep their options open, because they fear that the object of their desire will not remain interested in them for long, or that he or she does not have the right intentions. Once you two become exclusive, your partner’s fear will most likely subside, and his or her excessive flirting will be ruled out of the equation. However, be sure to exercise caution with this person. There is still a slight chance that he or she may be unfaithful while in an exclusive relationship or that your love interest would prefer an open relationship to a more serious one.

Him/her not returning your text messages
-Sometimes this can be a sign that the person you’re seeing is seeing other people or isn’t interested anymore, but if he or she skips one or two texts infrequently, then there is most likely nothing to fear. People often become preoccupied with responsibilities or nights out on the town, leaving them not much time to answer text messages. Be wary, though, if this is a frequent problem or if you notice a pattern. (*Pay special attention if you notice that your love interest never lets you know what he or she is doing. This is a sign that he or she may be dating someone else.)

Him/her seeing other people
-Often times someone will date many people at once out of insecurity. As mentioned earlier, he or she may be insecure, and unsure what the future holds for him or her and a romantic interest. At the same time, this person may not be trustworthy. However, the person is single and is technically not at fault. Thus, it is uncertain whether or not the polygamous dater can be trusted once in an exclusive romantic relationship; there is no way of knowing other than by dating him or her. If you suspect your crush to be seeing multiple people, be sceptical of his or her trustworthiness, but don’t fret. There is equally a chance of him or her being faithful while in a relationship with you.

If you notice any of the suspicious behaviour mentioned above being demonstrated by a crush or someone you’re seeing, be critical of them, but don’t spend all your time worrying. Maintain a positive attitude and focus on establishing and strengthening the connection between the two of you. However, once you two are in a monogamous relationship, you will able to legitimately evaluate his or actions. Best of luck!