Giving Perspective

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I think most of us have encountered a situation where we get out of a relationship and our friends and family say things like “Finally… you two were never any good together.”  Most of the time, those same people didn’t say anything while the relationship was on.  What happened?

Maybe you’re the sort of person who knows that you wouldn’t have listened if someone had told you that things weren’t going very well.  Maybe the people who know you well also know that about you and just didn’t bother.  The truth is, most of us need to learn these lessons for ourselves.  This makes it all the more difficult if there’s someone close to you who’s in a bad situation and just doesn’t seem to know it.  What do you do if someone you really care about is mired in a terrible relationship?

First of all, realize that most people aren’t going to want to hear the direct approach.  ”We need to talk.”  Those words starting this kind of conversation usually result in a storm-off by someone.  Don’t even try it.

A better idea is to wait until a bad situation arises and the person comes to you.  If they’re venting, let them.  If they ask for advice, give them your honest opinion.  If the chance comes up to get in some harsh words about their significant other, do not take it.

If you’re determined to get in your pot shots, it’s time for a bit of reverse psychology.  If your friend complains that the guy she’s dating never makes a nice dinner, say something like “I’m sure he does other romantic things for you, like surprises you with flowers”  If your brother says the girl he’s seeing gets extremely jealous when he spends time with his friends, you could say “She probably just wants to spend as much quality time with you as she can.”

Maybe the person agrees with you and remembers some of the great things about the relationship.  Don’t fight that.  If you do, the person you’re trying to help will become defensive and will dig in their heels, fighting to protect something they care about from an outsider.  However, if they go the other way and start to talk about some of the less desirable things in the relationship, you should just listen and let them talk.

These types of comments allow you to explore the situation with the other person in a way that isn’t threatening or overly negative, and you’re protecting yourself by keeping things positive.  That’s important, because let’s face it, you are meddling in someone else’s life.  And that’s OK, as long as you keep it reasonable.  It’s what friends and family are for, just remember to be smart about it.  And remember to think about how you feel when people give you advice you weren’t necessarily looking for… but may have needed to hear.