If you’re going through a rough patch in the dating world, you’ve probably had some well-meaning individual tell you to “just be yourself.” Because obviously if you would only be yourself, you won’t be able to fend off all the people that want to date you!
Except that you’re probably already being yourself, aren’t you? And it hasn’t worked out all that well. Maybe it’s time for a new plan.
Dating is all about finding someone that you like, and who likes you, and slowly making a deeper and deeper connection. This involves gradually finding out all about the person you’re dating, which in turn means you learn a lot about their quirks–which aren’t always going to seem great.
Consider the first impression you give off. People tend to be curious about someone who’s a bit different, but they tend to be put off by someone who’s too different. Being confidently in the middle of an interesting conversation is good, but loudly telling Dane Cook jokes to get attention is usually bad. (Really, just stay away from Dane Cook material. And Dane Cook.)
Maybe you look around enviously at a club as you see lots of super-fit people in revealing clothes, and wish you could pull that off. If you’re not in great shape, make sure your clothing is appropriate. Wearing well-fitting clothes that suit you is much more important than being fashionable or showing off some skin and gives you a chance to wear something comfortable and familiar, which should in turn make you more confident.
If you have a deep and abiding passion for Star Wars miniatures or sequined red shoes or the sociological effect of Western philosophy on developing African nations, you might want to hold off on bringing that up, and if it does come up, don’t talk incessantly about it. It’s important to reveal your quirks and unconventional interests at an appropriate pace, which could be slower than you’re doing it.
Maybe this runs counter to your intuitions. ”I want to be with someone who loves me for who I am. I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not!” That’s a good thought: you shouldn’t be false and you shouldn’t be overly secretive. However, you should make sure that you’re always putting your best foot forward, not just any foot. It’s OK to manage the impressions you make. As two people get to know each other, they will naturally discover more and more about the person they’re spending time with.
If you’re not getting to the point where that’s happening, consider a change and try to present yourself a little differently. If you keep trying the same thing, you should keep expecting the same results.
