Just Friends

You’ve been there or seen it. I’ve been there myself. Sometimes, two people aren’t just friends.

Sometimes a friendship can be a cover for romantic interest. Or maybe the interest develops in time, within the framework of the friendship. Regardless of how it starts, there are some important things to keep in mind, whether you’re the one interested or the object of interest.

1. It might not be a big deal. Sometimes the attraction will go away in time, or a new relationship will enter the picture and displace the attraction. If that happens, you don’t even need to talk about it! But sometimes the desire for romance doesn’t fade, or new relationships don’t soak up the interest (or maybe even happen at all), in which case action is required.

2. Make your feelings known. If you’re the one with interest, show it. Maybe that means a surprise romantic gesture, or maybe it means having a conversation with your friend and disclosing your true feelings. If you’re on the receiving end of the interest, make it clear that you’re only interested in friendship. And if you’re pretty sure that your friend is interested and you know that you aren’t, you’re not off the hook: make sure they know that nothing is going to happen.

3. Give it time. If you’ve both been honest and you both know how you feel, let things settle. Maybe they move in one direction or the other, but you shouldn’t be in any rush or try to force things. If things stay the same, though, you have to be prepared for the final step.

4. Walk away. Sometimes two people just aren’t quite compatible, and keeping the friendship alive ends up doing you both a disservice. This is especially important if you’re the one harboring romantic interest: if you’ve tried to move things in a non-platonic direction and it hasn’t worked, you will probably just end up hurting yourself. The friendly intimacy will help you to fool yourself into thinking that you’re close to a relationship when you really aren’t.

I was part of a great friendship, a friendship that lasted for many years, but most of the time, if I wasn’t with another girl, I wanted to be dating my friend. We talked about it a few times, and each time she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in me that way. Unfortunately, my feelings for her didn’t change, nor did hers for me, and we had to go our separate ways.

There are friendships with undercurrents of attraction all the time, and not all of them require direct action, but if the issue becomes too intense or lingers for too long, both parties owe it to themselves and to each other to work things out. There’s no need to be masochistic by deluding yourself into thinking you have a chance with someone when you really don’t. Be honest with yourself and with your friend, and things will end up alright.