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Movin’ On Up
February 21st, 2009
Dear Kris,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now, and it’s been a long distance relationship. Lately he’s been bugging me to move in with him, which is 3 hours from where I currently live. Part of me thinks I should, but the other part doesn’t want to leave my friends, family and great job. How should I figure out what would be best?
Thanks.
Stacey
Stacey,
This question is right up my alley. I was in a similar position last year, and I ended up moving to a different city to live with my boyfriend. While it was the right choice for me, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will be for you. There are a few things to think of.
The main question: How serious are you about him? Do you see a future there, and do you love him enough to move your entire life to be with him? Because if not, stay put. You seem to like your life where it is, so only change it if you’re sure.
The other issues are secondary. Will you be able to find a job where he is? Can you be happy there? Do you have transportation to visit home when you need your friends and family? Changing the city you live in can be great for giving your life a fresh start. Would that be beneficial to you?
Lastly, ask yourself this – if roles were reversed, would he be willing to move for you? Relationships are a two-way street (yes, I’m allowed to use cheesy clichés where I see fit), and each of you should get what you put into it. Rash decisions are useless in importations situations like this one. Think it through; be a bit selfish with your outcome.
Taking a leap like that can be great. As long as you’re sure it isn’t a blind one.
Kris
Kris,
What’s the best way to break up with a girl that I’ve been dating for a couple of months? I wouldn’t mind being her friend still, but I’m just not all that attracted to her.
S.D.
S.D.,
First off – put down the cell phone, turn off the computer, and put the cordless back in its cradle. Breaking up via text message, e-mail, and even phone call is not the way to go (unless, of course, you want to be labeled as a jerk and be blacklisted by any potential girls you may want to date in the future. No? Didn’t think so.)
Now… when you’re face-to-face with her, just be honest. But be nice. You don’t need to say, “Sorry girly, your face just doesn’t do it for me”, that really wouldn’t go over too well. Let her know that you think the two of you could be great friends, but that a relationship isn’t working for you. Depending how serious she was about you, you may not have to explain yourself much further than that.
Breaking up isn’t easy for anyone, so try to make it as simple and easy as possible. Both parties can appreciate that.
Kris
Have a question or relationship dilemma? Email Kris at: kristengoetz@hotmail.com
She’s With The Band
January 27th, 2009
Dear Kris,
What do you do when your parents hate your boyfriend, and vice versa? They think he’s bad for me because he’s in a band and has tattoos and piercings. How do I convince them that he’s actually a great guy? And how do I make him see that they’re just looking out for me?
Help.
Dani
Dani,
Ah, band guys. Making women swoon and parents worry since rock was born. I hear ya. Loud and clear.
To moms and dads, those guys represent very specific things: sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll (to be cliché). They don’t want their sweet daughter to become a groupie with an addiction to partying and general disobedience. It may sound kind of funny, but can you blame them? It’s pretty well-documented that it happens. Parents can’t help but put stock in the stigma.
As a fellow woman who was usually drawn to musicians, tattoos and piercings, I’m on your side. I know that not all of them are “bad boys”. Now it’s just a matter of convincing your parents.
Plan a night for him to come over and hang out with your family. Beforehand, tell your parents that it’s important to you that they calm down and make use of their chance to get to know him. To him, say that he needs to shelf his opinions of their concern for a night. See how it goes.
Best case scenario – everyone gets along, they see why you fell for him, and he sees how much they love you. Sunshine and lollipops.
Worst case scenario – they still hate each other. They think he’s wrong for you, and he’s still convinced that they’re overbearing. If this happens, you’ve got some questions to answer for yourself. Are they right about him? Or is he really a good guy, and they just can’t see it?
I’ll cross my fingers for the former.
Good luck!
Kris
Dear Kristen,
I need some advice.
I’m a single 26-year-old male. I’ve never been involved in a relationship before. Needless to say, I’m getting lonely and frustrated. On top of never having a girlfriend, I’m about 100-pounds overweight. I’m very shy. I don’t speak much unless spoken to. It takes me a long time to trust people (I’ve been burned in the past).
The worst part… I cannot for the life of me muster the courage to ask a girl out. I just can’t do it. I see a cute girl and I just go blank. I don’t know what to say. I’m tired of being this way… but I don’t know how to change.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Phil
Dear Phil,
We’ve had a similar dilemma on this column, only then it was advice for a female. Let’s see if we can do some problem solving for a man’s perspective.
Low self-esteem can be pretty debilitating when it comes to social encounters. From what you’ve written, I see that as the biggest hurdle in your situation. So first thing’s first – what are the things you like about yourself? Concentrating on the negatives will only magnify them, and keep you from approaching women. Keep a list in your head of “The Great Things About Phil”, and have it in mind when you’re working up the courage to talk to someone.
I’ll be honest with you – it’s going to take time before you truly build up your confidence. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still put yourself out there. There are millions of ways to meet people, and you don’t always have to ask a girl out right off the bat. Make friends first. Friends have other friends. And maybe one of their friend’s friends is a girl who thinks Phil is pretty damn cute. Best way to network? FRIENDS. No pressure. No nerves. Just you being you among people you like.
Moral of the story – don’t concentrate on the things you hate about yourself, or it will amplify them. Just relax. You’ll never run out of chances to meet another new person. The world is full of ‘em.
Kris
Contingency-Boyfriends and Pregnancy Woes
May 7th, 2008Dear Kris,
My ex-boyfriend just moved back into town, and I’ve been spending most of my time with him. My old feelings for him are coming back, and he’s mentioned that he wants me to date him again. The problem is that I have a boyfriend that I love very much, and I don’t want to leave him. At the same time, I can’t ignore my feelings for my ex. What should I do?
Jen
Dear Jen,
I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you: proverbially speaking, you seem to selfishly want to have your cake and eat it, too. Sorry, but you just can’t have both.
First of all, why are you spending all your time with your ex? There must have been a reason you broke up, and surely it’s still valid. If you love your current boyfriend so much, you really don’t need to be hanging out with your former boyfriend more.
You say that you don’t want to leave your present boyfriend, but I have a feeling that may be because you want to keep him as a fallback if your ex doesn’t work out again. If I’m right, do him a favour – break up with him before you put him through hell. Maybe the best thing right now is to take some time without any boyfriend, so you can figure out what, and whom, you really want. There’s no need to drag two guys around until you decide which one wins you as the grand prize.
~ Kris
Dear Kris,
I’ve been married to my husband for two years now, and we’re thinking of having a baby. I’m scared about being pregnant because I think my husband will stop finding me attractive. He’s always liked me at my slimmest, and I’m worried that he’ll cheat on me or leave me once I grow bigger. Am I crazy?
Ally T.
Dear Ally,
I think it’s common for a woman to fear that her man will find her unattractive when she’s pregnant. But you need to also realize that many men find their pregnant partner beautiful – after all, it’s his kid growing in that body.
I suggest you step back and evaluate the kind of man you’re with. He may like you when you’re slim, but is he obsessive about it? Is vanity an important issue with him? Does he insist that you look your best at all times? Assuming the man is not scum, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Try talking to him; tell him your fears. Hopefully he will lay them to rest, and you can move on with a worry-free pregnancy. Good luck!
Kris
Does he introduce you as a ‘friend’?
April 17th, 2008Dear Kris,
The man I’m dating gives me a lot of love and attention, and shows how into our relationship he is. But he is only like this when we’re alone. As soon as we’re in public, especially around his friends, he acts like a jerk and even introduces me as a “friend”.
What am I supposed to do about it?
-Pissed Off
Dear Pissed,
I’m fairly certain that there are many ladies reading your predicament and nodding in agreement, thinking “I’ve been there.” Unfortunately, it’s pretty common, but it’s rude and hurtful nonetheless. I’m going to go out a limb here and assume you haven’t asked him about it. I know, it’s a hard thing to bring up, and you don’t want to seem whiny. But honestly – confront him.
Ask him why he changes his tune when other people are around, and let him know how it makes you feel. Hopefully after that conversation, he’ll be more attentive and respectful to you when his buddies are around. If he isn’t, the next step is ultimately up to you. Can you live with that behaviour? Or do you feel that you deserve better? If he’s only nice half of the time, that means you’re unhappy half of the time, too.
~ Kris
Dear Kris,
I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months now, and it’s been going really well. He seems to be more into the relationship than I am, and I’ll admit I kind of like that. The other day while he was in the shower, I was on his computer and came across his message history with his mother. I know I shouldn’t have looked, but he told me that he had messaged her all about me and how great I was, so I wanted to see.
The supposed conversation he had with her didn’t exist. Instead, he had written that I wasn’t his type, I was too old, he didn’t like my tattoos, and he didn’t see us going anywhere.
He still acts like we’re a perfect couple, still wants to see me every day, and is still pushing for a more serious relationship with me. How do I find out how he really feels? I can’t tell him that I read his message history.
Help!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Yikes.
Snooping into your man’s e-mails and message history never ends well. Chances are, you will ALWAYS find something bad. That’s really what you’re looking for anyway, isn’t it?
You could always take the high road and just tell him that you read what he said. If you actually want a relationship with this guy, starting off with lies and secrets is gonna plague you. You’ll be doomed.
It doesn’t seem like you want to confess, however. So you need another option. One day, try casually asking him what his usual type of girl is. If his conversation with his mom is any indication, you aren’t what he tends to go for. See if he’s honest, and go from there.
On the other hand, he very well could have been lying to his mom. If he didn’t really like you, why would he be so keen on dating you, and seem so into you?
My advice: give him the benefit of the doubt. If you aren’t going to tell him the truth, see how things progress and try getting to know him better. There’s a chance that he said those things to his mom because maybe he didn’t feel like YOU were that into HIM; he may have been protecting his pride and saving face. We’ve all got our own reasons to lie, and maybe it isn’t you that he is fooling.
Don’t throw in the towel just yet.
Kris
Send your questions and dilemmas to Kristen at: kris10@loveintoronto.com
I’m not pretty enough or interesting enough syndrome – Kris10 offers her advice
April 9th, 2008
Dear Kris,
I’m tired of being single, but I don’t know what to do about it. I’m painfully shy, unattractive, and not interesting enough. Men don’t ever approach me at bars or anywhere else. What do I have to do to get noticed?
Jenn
Oh, Jenn.
You sound a hell of a lot like I used to. The old “I’m not pretty enough or interesting enough” syndrome. I know it’s not fun, but it’s also a bit of a cop-out. It’s really easy to sit in a corner and sigh about how you’re alone, when every other woman can find someone. But maybe instead you should observe these ladies. Take note.
Chances are, they’re putting themselves out there. Who says the guy has to be the one to make the first move? If a man catches your eye, let him know. Make eye contact, buy him a drink, say hello – do anything. That way you aren’t in the background, blending in with the wallpaper. You’re taking a chance.
If he doesn’t reciprocate and isn’t interested, that’s ok. Trying is the important part, and eventually you won’t feel so shy and uncomfortable with it. The more comfortable you are with yourself and how you act, the more men will take notice. Sounds like an after-school special, but it’s true.
Don’t forget: there are other places to meet people besides bars. Get a hobby, take a class. That way you’ll meet like-minded individuals, and you’ll have more in common than a shared love of Crown and diet.
~ Kris
Dear Kris,
I’ve been dating a great girl for a few months. Things are going good; we have a lot of fun together, etc. The thing is, she wants me to move into her apartment. I’m not ready for that yet, but how do I tell her? I don’t want to hurt her feelings or ruin the relationship already.
Dan B.
Dear Dan,
Moving in together is a pretty huge step for most couples. Seeing each other day and night, always being together – it would be relationship suicide if you really weren’t ready for it.
If it’s too much for you, just let her know. Tell her that you don’t want to rush into anything, and you want to take your time and do things right. To make it sound even better for her, say that you want to rid yourself of your “bachelor pad habits” before exposing her to them. (Guys – take note of that!)
She’ll understand where you’re coming from if she truly cares about how you feel. If not, there’s a possibility that she isn’t really looking to further the relationship – she may just be lonely or want the novelty of a live-in boyfriend.
~ Kris
Send your questions and dilemmas to Kristen at: kris10@loveintoronto.com
Is he sleeping with another girl?
March 31st, 2008
Editor’s note: Love In Toronto welcomes Kristen Goetz to the team! Read on for an introductory peak at our new writer and her new column.
Dating. The mere mention of that simple word has the ability to make a person smile, yearn, or hyperventilate. While everyone wants a special person in his or her life, one thing is certain: dating isn’t easy. When a situation has you confused and seeking Yoda-like relationship wisdom, who do you turn to? Friends, usually. Family members, in desperate times. But some circumstances require an outside source, an unbiased stranger who can dole out straightforward guidance without worrying about your sensitive ego.
That’s where I come in.
Love In Toronto is introducing a brand-new advice section to help the confused and the lovelorn. If you have a question, a dilemma, or just need an opinion, send it to me at kristengoetz@hotmail.com . I’ll give you honest, thought-out answers, and a kick-in-the-head wake-up call if that’s the best prescription for you. Forget Dear Abby; Love In Toronto brings the real dating advice to you. For example:
Dear Kris,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now. We’re perfect in many ways, and I could not imagine life without him. The problem is that, two years ago, he was sleeping with another girl while dating me. We’ve gotten past that, but I have reason to believe he’s cheating on me again. He doesn’t come home some nights, he’s often short with me, and he is no longer affectionate at all. On top of that, an acquaintance has apparently seen him out with another woman more than once.
Am I jumping to conclusions? Should I just trust that my man loves me and has learned from his mistake? I’m unhappy, and I feel like I’m being deceitful.
- Completely Confused
Dear Confused,
It sounds like you aren’t the one who is deceitful.
I know it’s sometimes hard to open your eyes to a man’s true behaviour when you’re in love with him. Many women have been in similar situations, myself included. But I’ll tell you one thing- if he cheated on you before, there’s a good chance that you will never fully trust him. It can’t be easy to live your life paranoid that your guy is going to hurt you again. I give you kudos for trying to mend the relationship after his past indiscretions, even when it may have saved your sanity to end it, but I do wonder what your reasons were.
A cliché like “once a cheater, always a cheater” won’t help you right now, but it tends to be pretty accurate. If your gut tells you he’s cheating, he probably is. And even if he’s not, what’s with the change in attitude? My advice: think long and hard about why you’re with him, and how good it might feel to be single and worry-free for awhile. No one deserves to feel terrible because their significant other isn’t trustworthy. Put yourself first, and think about what would make you happiest.
~ Kris
