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Name: Terry, aka "tthrasher"
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Bio: Terry works in technology and enjoys cycling, board games, and hockey. After mastering “console” drums he opted to try learning the real thing and is currently being humbled by a drum teacher. While discussing relationships with his friends, the nuances of the interactions between women and men began to fascinate Terry, and he sought out various masters, studying at their feet and absorbing the full extent of all of their knowledge, dedicating much of his energy to his attempt to distill of this expertise into a cohesive, synergistic system of gender relations, and he has come to a startling conclusion: It's impossible. And yet, there were common threads in the questions people would ask, the knots they would try to unravel, and often, by looking for underlying causes, Terry was able to help his friends look for ways to find peace in their relationships and in their lives. The obvious answer is sometimes the right answer, but sometimes we have to look a bit deeper, and Terry has made a habit of searching out the real reasons that we do and say strange things sometimes.
Posts by tthrasher:
Just Friends
February 18th, 2010You’ve been there or seen it. I’ve been there myself. Sometimes, two people aren’t just friends.
Sometimes a friendship can be a cover for romantic interest. Or maybe the interest develops in time, within the framework of the friendship. Regardless of how it starts, there are some important things to keep in mind, whether you’re the one interested or the object of interest.
1. It might not be a big deal. Sometimes the attraction will go away in time, or a new relationship will enter the picture and displace the attraction. If that happens, you don’t even need to talk about it! But sometimes the desire for romance doesn’t fade, or new relationships don’t soak up the interest (or maybe even happen at all), in which case action is required.
2. Make your feelings known. If you’re the one with interest, show it. Maybe that means a surprise romantic gesture, or maybe it means having a conversation with your friend and disclosing your true feelings. If you’re on the receiving end of the interest, make it clear that you’re only interested in friendship. And if you’re pretty sure that your friend is interested and you know that you aren’t, you’re not off the hook: make sure they know that nothing is going to happen.
3. Give it time. If you’ve both been honest and you both know how you feel, let things settle. Maybe they move in one direction or the other, but you shouldn’t be in any rush or try to force things. If things stay the same, though, you have to be prepared for the final step.
4. Walk away. Sometimes two people just aren’t quite compatible, and keeping the friendship alive ends up doing you both a disservice. This is especially important if you’re the one harboring romantic interest: if you’ve tried to move things in a non-platonic direction and it hasn’t worked, you will probably just end up hurting yourself. The friendly intimacy will help you to fool yourself into thinking that you’re close to a relationship when you really aren’t.
I was part of a great friendship, a friendship that lasted for many years, but most of the time, if I wasn’t with another girl, I wanted to be dating my friend. We talked about it a few times, and each time she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in me that way. Unfortunately, my feelings for her didn’t change, nor did hers for me, and we had to go our separate ways.
There are friendships with undercurrents of attraction all the time, and not all of them require direct action, but if the issue becomes too intense or lingers for too long, both parties owe it to themselves and to each other to work things out. There’s no need to be masochistic by deluding yourself into thinking you have a chance with someone when you really don’t. Be honest with yourself and with your friend, and things will end up alright.
Three Ways to Stay Positive
January 31st, 2010Everyone hits a point where things aren’t going well, and your best efforts haven’t been good enough. This can happen in any area of life, but it’s especially personal in romance. If you’re involved, maybe things aren’t going well. If you’re single, maybe you haven’t had a date or sex or a good conversation with someone in a while, and everything you’ve tried has turned to ash.
The temptation is to pout about it to yourself and the people close to you, and expect the whole world to devote its energies to rectifying the situation.
That usually doesn’t help.
It’s important to keep yourself positive when things aren’t going well. This doesn’t mean ignoring the bad things, but rather keeping them in context. Let’s look at an example.
Let’s imagine that a guy named Ray gets dumped. He spends some time brooding about it, but after a while he decides that he should go out and meet some women, and maybe find someone he likes spending time with. After six months, though, he’s had no success. He hasn’t gotten so much as a phone number.
He spends his time whining to his friends about how the women in this city are stuck up, or how he has no luck, or how it’s all just a stupid game. How do his friends react?
Most of them probably get less interested the more they hear. Maybe they try to help Ray out, though, and introduce him to some interesting women. What kind of impression is Ray going to give? Even if he puts on a smile and tries, if he’s got lingering resentment or despair, he’s not going to give off good vibes when he’s meeting someone new.
Here are three useful things that everyone can do to help improve their outlook and, in doing so, have a better time meeting new people:
1. When you catch yourself complaining about something, stop immediately and try to think of something, anything, that’s positive about the situation. If you’ve told a joke to a pretty woman and the joke fell flat, and now she’s talking to someone else, figure out how you could improve the delivery of the joke and get ready to try again.
2. Force a smile. As long as you can keep a smile on your face that looks at least slightly natural, it will have beneficial effects on your mood. Other people will see you smiling and will smile at you, which will reinforce the good feelings. And perhaps simply because our biology associates smiling with happiness, the simple act of turning up the corners of your mouth will encourage your mind to stay positive.
3. Set smart goals when you go out. Don’t think “I want to go home with a hottie,” think “I want to meet interesting people.” And then follow through: be willing to talk to people you might not normally, including girls or guys you know you wouldn’t want to romance. The good vibes you’ll start to build up enhance your confidence and help make you a more interesting and attractive person.
The higher you keep your attitude, the better the returns. Everyone wants to spend time with people who make them feel good about themselves and their lives. Work to become that person and it’ll come back to you.
Friendly Competition
January 11th, 2010
You’re at a house party with a few friends. You’ve met a bunch of new people, and there’s this one girl who’s really caught your attention. In need of some liquid courage, you head into the kitchen to grab another drink. Take a deep breath, now… nothing to worry about, just go talk to her. You put on your best confident swagger and round the corner, and… hey, is that Jay talking her up? Crap.
Sometimes you’ll be after the same person that your friend (or friends) are interested in, and these things can get ugly if you don’t figure out a mature way to handle them. Nothing divides men like a woman and vice versa.
Some groups might set out ground rules ahead of time, but I don’t think most of us have that kind of prescience; usually we only lay down ground rules once someone feels they’ve been cheated. If you find yourself in this situation already, what do you do?
First of all, don’t ever call dibs. I know guys who will say “I get first shot” and expect the other guys to back off. This is ridiculous. You should always respect your friends and their wishes, but there are reasonable ways to do this without resorting to grade school behavior. If you know one of your friends shares a potentially romantic interest with you, it’s fine for both of you to flirt with the object of your attractions, as long as you don’t step on each other’s toes. Which brings me to the second point.
Don’t try to cut down your friends. It’s tempting to try and make yourself look good at someone else’s expense when you’re trying to impress, but it’s a loser’s game. Whether or not things go well, if your friend finds out, he might be upset with you, and if things do go well and your new significant other has to hang out with people you’ve badmouthed, well, that might not go so well, either.
Finally, don’t overload the girl with flirting. If multiple guys are pressing in, things could get suffocating for her, and she may lose interest in socializing with the whole group. Regardless of your personal flirting success, social occasions should stay fun for everyone. This will help the overall mood stay positive.
Remember that if you’re all angling for the affections of a girl at a party, it’s not fair to try and make her choice for her, and if she’s really got her eye on one guy, it’s not going to matter who’s called dibs. Do your best to be an interesting, attractive person and it won’t matter if you’re up against your friends. After all, in the end, they’ll still be your friends tomorrow.
Burlesque show
December 6th, 2009
I recently attended my first burlesque show. The show was really interesting and worth the price of admission, and it’s an interesting option for a date.
A show like this probably isn’t the best choice for a first date, but once you get to know your potential significant other, if you’re looking to guarantee a fun, sexy atmosphere between the two of you, burlesque might be just the thing.
If you’re taking in a show staged by a local group, it’s likely that you’re in for an evening of blue collar humor. The gags, both visual and verbal, will be things you probably wouldn’t demonstrate for your grandmother, but they will demonstrate to your date that you’re comfortable with sexuality, both yours and that of other people.
Depending on the group and the boldness of the performers, the level of nudity can vary, so make sure that you’re either aware of what to expect or can handle surprises.
Above all, have a good time. A burlesque show is meant to be enjoyed in a light spirit and an open mind. Show your fun, accepting side and take it in.
Evolution of the Checklist
November 20th, 2009A long time ago, I had a big, long list of things that a potential significant other had to be: non-smoker, well read, red hair, a certain height, not a dog person… Unsurprisingly, I didn’t date anyone for very long with that list.
I came to realize that although having standards is good, an uncompromising list of criteria was unlikely to do me any favors. Did it really matter if a girl I liked enjoyed dancing to reggae?
In time, the list dwindled, as I met more and more exciting women who didn’t match up with my list. I thought I didn’t like certain hair colors, until I let myself be very attracted to someone with blonde hair. Short girls were a no-go… until I let myself develop a major crush on a girl who was five feet tall.
“Let myself” is exactly the right phrase, as I realized that discounting someone based on a few random characteristics could preclude me from meeting a lot of amazing people. Slowly, the number of must-haves and most-not-bes shrunk until it was down to four, which is where it has remained for the last several years.
Opening yourself up to other people and exploring new things is an essential part of life. The arrival of someone or something amazing in your life could come from anywhere, and it’s important not to discount things before you’ve had a chance to really check them out. That’s not to say that you can’t have standards, of course.
I have a hard time being around cigarette smoke. The smell of cigarettes gives me a headache, and I find the habit disgusting. I’m not sure I’d ever be able to date a smoker. It’s a deal breaker for me. And that’s OK. I know it’s something that, like eating olives, I’m never going to be able to handle. I’ve spent time around smokers and come to the conclusion that I just can’t get used to it.
Are you ruling out someone special because they don’t fit your idea of a good significant other? Make sure you constantly reevaluate the things that you look for and look to avoid, and ask yourself how important they really are. Sequined clothing is a big turn off? How often is that going to matter? Fan of a different hockey team? That could actually be fun. Really likes country music?
OK, I’ll give you that one.
Just Be Yourself, Only Better
November 6th, 2009If you’re going through a rough patch in the dating world, you’ve probably had some well-meaning individual tell you to “just be yourself.” Because obviously if you would only be yourself, you won’t be able to fend off all the people that want to date you!
Except that you’re probably already being yourself, aren’t you? And it hasn’t worked out all that well. Maybe it’s time for a new plan.
Dating is all about finding someone that you like, and who likes you, and slowly making a deeper and deeper connection. This involves gradually finding out all about the person you’re dating, which in turn means you learn a lot about their quirks–which aren’t always going to seem great.
Consider the first impression you give off. People tend to be curious about someone who’s a bit different, but they tend to be put off by someone who’s too different. Being confidently in the middle of an interesting conversation is good, but loudly telling Dane Cook jokes to get attention is usually bad. (Really, just stay away from Dane Cook material. And Dane Cook.)
Maybe you look around enviously at a club as you see lots of super-fit people in revealing clothes, and wish you could pull that off. If you’re not in great shape, make sure your clothing is appropriate. Wearing well-fitting clothes that suit you is much more important than being fashionable or showing off some skin and gives you a chance to wear something comfortable and familiar, which should in turn make you more confident.
If you have a deep and abiding passion for Star Wars miniatures or sequined red shoes or the sociological effect of Western philosophy on developing African nations, you might want to hold off on bringing that up, and if it does come up, don’t talk incessantly about it. It’s important to reveal your quirks and unconventional interests at an appropriate pace, which could be slower than you’re doing it.
Maybe this runs counter to your intuitions. ”I want to be with someone who loves me for who I am. I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not!” That’s a good thought: you shouldn’t be false and you shouldn’t be overly secretive. However, you should make sure that you’re always putting your best foot forward, not just any foot. It’s OK to manage the impressions you make. As two people get to know each other, they will naturally discover more and more about the person they’re spending time with.
If you’re not getting to the point where that’s happening, consider a change and try to present yourself a little differently. If you keep trying the same thing, you should keep expecting the same results.
Giving Perspective
October 21st, 2009
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I think most of us have encountered a situation where we get out of a relationship and our friends and family say things like “Finally… you two were never any good together.” Most of the time, those same people didn’t say anything while the relationship was on. What happened?
Maybe you’re the sort of person who knows that you wouldn’t have listened if someone had told you that things weren’t going very well. Maybe the people who know you well also know that about you and just didn’t bother. The truth is, most of us need to learn these lessons for ourselves. This makes it all the more difficult if there’s someone close to you who’s in a bad situation and just doesn’t seem to know it. What do you do if someone you really care about is mired in a terrible relationship?
First of all, realize that most people aren’t going to want to hear the direct approach. ”We need to talk.” Those words starting this kind of conversation usually result in a storm-off by someone. Don’t even try it.
A better idea is to wait until a bad situation arises and the person comes to you. If they’re venting, let them. If they ask for advice, give them your honest opinion. If the chance comes up to get in some harsh words about their significant other, do not take it.
If you’re determined to get in your pot shots, it’s time for a bit of reverse psychology. If your friend complains that the guy she’s dating never makes a nice dinner, say something like “I’m sure he does other romantic things for you, like surprises you with flowers” If your brother says the girl he’s seeing gets extremely jealous when he spends time with his friends, you could say “She probably just wants to spend as much quality time with you as she can.”
Maybe the person agrees with you and remembers some of the great things about the relationship. Don’t fight that. If you do, the person you’re trying to help will become defensive and will dig in their heels, fighting to protect something they care about from an outsider. However, if they go the other way and start to talk about some of the less desirable things in the relationship, you should just listen and let them talk.
These types of comments allow you to explore the situation with the other person in a way that isn’t threatening or overly negative, and you’re protecting yourself by keeping things positive. That’s important, because let’s face it, you are meddling in someone else’s life. And that’s OK, as long as you keep it reasonable. It’s what friends and family are for, just remember to be smart about it. And remember to think about how you feel when people give you advice you weren’t necessarily looking for… but may have needed to hear.
You’re Just Not That Into Him
October 6th, 2009Ladies, I have to tell you: an awful lot of you aren’t that good at dealing with unwanted attention from guys. Perhaps the problem is just our different styles of communication.
Imagine this scenario: you went out on a date with a guy. For whatever reason, the two of you didn’t click, and you’ve made up your mind that you aren’t going to go out with him again. He’s calling or texting, asking when the two of you will go out again. What do you do?
Suppose you met the guy randomly. You didn’t really know him before the date, and you’ll probably never see him again. In this situation, it’s acceptable to just not respond, but it’s not great. In fact, it’s cowardly. Instead, you say something like “I’m sorry, but I just didn’t feel a strong connection between us” and leave it at that.
But what if you’re acquaintances? You have mutual friends? You’re likely to run into each other with some frequency? Well, now it’s no longer acceptable to just not respond. It’s going to be awkward. Granted, it’s also going to be awkward if you tell him you’re not interested, but it’s going to be a lot less awkward for less time.
Lastly, what do you do if the two of you are close friends? Maybe you’ve known each other for a long time, maybe you’ve shared a lot together, maybe you have an awful lot of mutual close friends. Just by going out on a date you know that there’s potential for complications, but you did anyway, and now you know it just isn’t going anywhere. This is probably the hardest situation of all, because you have a friendship with someone you care about to protect. You deliver the unwelcome news honestly and tactfully. ”I just don’t feel that spark between us and I’d like if we could still be friends.” If you’re both mature about it, there will be a bit of pain and discomfort, but things will probably go back to normal. It’ll be like ripping off a bandage: over before you know it.
What if he doesn’t give up, though? Then things can get messy… and that’s a topic for another day. I’ll get to it, as only a guy who’s been there can.
We all know that in general women are better at indirect communication than men are, so here’s the point: when you’re communicating with a man, especially with one you don’t plan to date, you should make an effort to communicate in terms he’ll easily understand. We know you don’t want to hurt us, but it’s going to hurt whether you say it directly or not, and it’s worse if you drag it out. Take a deep breath and, to borrow a politically inappropriate saying, man up. It’s going to be easier for you anyway.
What You Can Learn About Dating From Disney
September 23rd, 2009
Recently, I went on a trip to Disney World, and after spending my first day in the Animal Kingdom, I was completely impressed by how much detail was put into everything. The whole park was designed to convey an impression. There were “fossils” in the ground underfoot, there was tons to look at and talk about while waiting in line for rides, and even on the dull parts of a roller coaster, there were evocative details all around. Disney spent more creating the one ride in this picture (Expedition Everest) than the budget to create an entire large water park. A lot of that money went to “theming” the attraction, and it shows: you don’t just feel like you’ve been on a ride, you feel like you’ve had an experience.
When you’re going out with someone special, you pay attention to how you look and what you’re going to do together, but do you take advantage of all of the ways you can create an amazing impression? Here are four ways to squeeze in even more to impress that special person.
1. If you’re driving your date to dinner, give yourself extra time so that you can drive along the water at sunset. It’s a perfect time to say something romantic.
2. While waiting in line together, have a small, personalized gift ready to give. Waiting in line is boring and this will make the time exciting instead.
3. Waiting for a cab to show up? Show your date a magic trick you saw on YouTube that you’re trying to perfect.
4. If you’ve got a long walk ahead, scout out an interesting diversion ahead of time so that you can take your date on a little detour to show them a nice boutique, a great view, or even some cool graffiti.
The point is to make sure you’re not letting down time get in the way of having a great time. Any boring silence is a wasted opportunity to build up your connection with someone that matters to you. Take a lesson from Disney World and plan ahead so that there’s never a dull moment.
Three Ways to Meet a Nice Guy
September 9th, 2009“I’m so tired of the guys I meet in bars. Where do I go to find a nice guy?”
I’ve heard this from several women in the last little while, but what’s amazing is that these women have no idea where else to meet men, so they keep going to the bars and clubs and continue to meet the same kinds of guys. Ladies, if you’re tired of the guys you’re meeting, change where you go to meet guys. The guys who’ll approach you at a club are the ones who are savvy at playing the dating game. The nice guy might not be. So where do you look instead?
1. If you’re bold, try the grocery store. It’s easy to pick out the single guys: they’re the ones buying food that couldn’t possibly be part of a normal diet. Bump into him, apologize, smile, and then cock an eyebrow and ask if that’s seriously going to be part of a meal.
2. Get the girls together and go play mini golf. If you exchange glances with an attractive guy, “accidentally” hit your ball over his way and start up a conversation when you retrieve it.
3. Join a co-ed sports league. If you play at a recreational level, you’ll meet a wide variety of people who are probably interested in having fun and staying active, and that should be a good sign.
If all else fails, ask your guy friends. Ask them what they’ve done in the last few weeks to get more ideas. Remember: look somewhere new and you will find something new.
