You’re great. You get called “perfect” occasionally. But you know the truth is your dates are overlooking something – or a few. You may use the potential 2012 holds to fix this. Work on your flaws to become the ultimate dater.

First, you must pinpoint your faults. You discover your shortcomings when you think back to criticism others have given you. Think about things your exes, family and friends have said they disliked about you. Think of characteristics you loathe about yourself. But how do you change? Note the following problematic qualities many people face and how to change them:

Anger Issues

You’ve been told you’re too angry. Your instigating nature is dangerous, because it can cause violence. Of course, you may not be violent. When you get into an argument, however, your opponent may be. You, like many people, may think passive aggression is the best way to fix this. If you Google “passive aggression” though, you will discover it is a form of abuse. Note that Cathy Meyer, author of Passive Aggressive Behaviour: A Form of Covert Abuse, says “Passive aggressive[s] can drive people around [them] crazy,” because they communicate ambiguously. When you imply that you are angry, your partner may not understand if you are angry or uninterested, or why you are angry. You may find that the frustration he or she feels results in some form of cruel treatment. Solve your anger issues the best way by being less aggressive and addressing issues with your significant other in a polite tone. Of course, you must not accuse your partner of actions you are unsure he or she committed or create issues that don’t exist.

Trust Issues

Don’t be embarrassed if others have told you you are too jealous. You are just one of many people who experience this problem. Though, making assumptions about your partner’s fidelity will most likely lead to you having a headache and angry outbursts. You may find that the key to controlling your jealousy is not worrying about your partner cheating on you. You may only be certain of your other half cheating if he or she tells you, or if you find mysterious underwear at his or her place. So why not relax unless that happens?

Being Controlling

Controlling your partner is unhealthy. Not only does it suffocate him or her, but it also prevents your sweetie from doing certain things he or she enjoys. If you were in his or her shoes, would you be having fun? To be less controlling, do not give your partner commands. If you ever find concrete evidence that your partner is cheating on you, the best thing to do would be to break up rather than strap a ball-and-chain to his or her foot.

Insecurity

You will most likely annoy your partner when you doubt him or her. Have a little confidence in yourself, and both you and your partner may benefit from greater mental health. To do so, remember the following:

Yes, you will most likely get an answer to your text message. If don’t receive a reply though, your honey is most likely busy. Don’t be jealous if your baby flirts with others more than you. You may learn later that your darling is just being playful. Most importantly, don’t analyze. You will most likely be wrong, because it is easier to be negative than positive.

You may be familiar with the Portuguese proverb: “Change yourself, and fortune will change with you.” You may find it to be true. When you change for the better, you may have healthier, longer-lasting relationships. Thus, you may not wish to procrastinate. Improve, if need be.

You have not seen your partner in over a month. You’ve explained to your sweetie that you would like to see each other more, but you’ve received no gratification of this request. Though you cherish your significant other deeply – and you know s/he adores you – there is nothing you can do about the present problem. As you decide to break up with this neglectful dirtbag, you worry that neither of you will keep in touch.

You’ve heard of people in a couple who became non-existent to each other post-split. You’ve heard of other ex-flames who plotted revenge on each other. You’ve heard of other former lovebirds who were at ease with each other until one eventually said some mean and hurtful things to the other. There are ways of breaking up, however, that will increase your odds of remaining companions with your former other half. The key ingredient to your having a peaceful breakup is civility.

The following are tips you may want to consider if you’re breaking up with someone whose friendship you’d like to preserve:

• Be polite. Your breaking up with someone via e-mail, text, Facebook, fax or telegram will most likely not lead to you and your ex becoming great pals. You may wish to break up with someone over the telephone or face-to-face instead; your ex may thank you.
• Give a reason. You should always give a reason when breaking up with someone. Your providing a former partner an explanation for a breakup will provide him or her with the closure s/he needs. In addition, your doing so will help prepare an ex-flame for a new relationship. You may not realize this, but if you do not clarify to your new comrade where your relationship went wrong, s/he may lose all hope for his or her love life. In fact, if your relationship ended abruptly and you were not informed of the cause, you may think you did nothing wrong in the relationship and lose hope of ever finding someone who appreciates you.
• Be diplomatic. Your ex is likely to despise you if you do any of the following: yell, fight, accuse, insult, threaten. That is why during a breakup, you may prefer to be tactful. For example, instead of saying “You have no time for me,” you could say, “We rarely see each other.”
• Explain that you would still like to be friends. Many people drift apart when this fact is not mentioned. They think that distance is the best way to get over someone, but they never get back in touch with their former admirers when the heartache is over.
• If you need space for a few days/weeks to get over things, say so. Otherwise, your new friend may feel rejected and/or neglected.

You may have heard the statement “Civility costs nothing and buys everything,” first stated by Mary Wortley Montagu. You may wish to remain on peaceful terms with an ex due to possible future encounters, blissful friendship purposes and/or clear conscience possession. Whatever the case, your having a harmonious relationship with your past significant other is viable after a breakup. You just need to be tactful about the split.

Many people wonder how it is possible to put aside all the emotions after a breakup – attachment, hurt, regret – that make them wish they were back with their sweeties. Many people even doubt their decisions to break up with their significant others when they have done so for all the right reasons. Anyone is capable, however, of putting their phones aside for a day or three and resisting all contact with their ex-flames after that. Positive thinking usually does the trick. But how can one put the negative emotions away for long enough to let their positive thoughts sink in?

One should:

• lock the phone away. That’s right. Freshly broken up people should keep their cell phones out of sight and landlines out of reach, if they have memorized their honey’s numbers. Breakupees and breakeruppers may use their computers if they have no other forms of entertainment, but if it is possible to put these gadgets away, it would be highly beneficial to do so.
• do his or her favourite things. If one and a partner who have parted from one another are feeling plagued by the event, these tormented souls should partake in their favourite activities – individually, that is. Similarly, newly single people’s distracting themselves – by watching movies, completing work, finishing homework, going out and the like – may allow their melancholy states to sweep over them and positive thoughts to pour into their minds.
• halt the negative thoughts when they begin. When a person who has just exited a romance begins to think negatively, he or she should begin a positive thought process to replace the unpleasant thoughts. Yes, there is hope for one’s dating life. No, not all people make untrustworthy, deceitful, neglectful partners. Once one realizes these two latter statements, he or she will be unlikely to return to a former other half, begging, tears flowing.
• think about the negatives of being with a particular person. These are not “ex cons” in the term’s popular context, though it would make the breakup so much easier if they were. When one thinks about all the things he or she despises about an ex, feelings for said ex may dissolve quickly.
• remind oneself that he or she has self-respect. Most people break up with a lover due to poor treatment, and when this is the case, the first step to one’s being strong through an emotionally messy breakup is to remind oneself that he or she deserves better. But for this technique to work, one may need to reinforce the fact that he or she will find better. It is not just a myth.

Breakups do not need to have newbie singles plotting how to win over their 24-hours-ago-sweeties with Hollywood acts of romance. Strength is mental. It can be gained by heartbroken singles’ boycotting texting for a while, reminding themselves of their worth, replacing hopelessness with happy thoughts, compiling lists of “ex cons” and distracting themselves with amusing activities. Though it may sound harder than it is, breakups are possible without tears and vengeance.

If a couple is moving in together for the first time, their renting may be their best option. Because a couple is living together for the first time, they most likely are just getting their lives on track, meaning their careers have just begun, and they will be away from their immediate families for the first time. This means the responsibility of purchasing a new home may overwhelm them. That’s why the safer route is to rent – the payments will be lower than if a twosome were to buy, and a newly-moved out couple may not be able to afford the full price of a house. In addition, a couple’s paying less money for a new home will alleviate them – a pair who may be dealing with a lot of new duties like cooking, doing laundry and cleaning – of a lot of stress. Even though there are limitations to renting a home, the rules a couple renting must live by are not that tough with which to deal. In fact, one’s being conscientious of a landlord’s sleep and preferences are similar to his or her being conscientious to that of a partner’s.

Although some couples may be financially secure enough to purchase their first home, why do they need all that space? Unless they already have children or have some on the way, there is no need to have a full-size house or townhome, for that matter. An apartment is just suitable for two people. After all, why does a duo need a dining room, basement, attic, computer room and more than one washroom if they won’t be using them? In addition, a larger home simply means more cleaning and more furniture to purchase. A rented apartment or condo is much more low-maintenance. Besides, smaller dwellings can be cozy. A couple may feel that a home too big for them is cold and empty. Moreover, a rented apartment will most likely be much closer to the nightlife of Toronto than a suburban home would be, allowing the renting couple to have frequent date nights.

Lower payments, the right size, city life, comfort, less stress. What more could a duo ask for? A couple’s renting their first home is the way to go. Of course there are advantages to a pair’s purchasing a home – like unlimited interior design options, the ability to be loud and the choice to have pets – but in the long-run the maintenance of a house is overwhelming for just two people. A pair’s renting is a low-stress, affordable, comfortable option.

photo courtesy of: family.wikinut.com

Written by: Natasha Bell

While taking a stroll down memory lane one may realize the mistakes they have made in their past relationships. Many people suspect that they have not met their rightful match, and on the other hand, they are still in love with their ex but would prefer different timing. In many cases, people get back with their ex hoping that they could fix previous problems and improve their relationship, however, perhaps it wasn’t the timing at all. Perhaps it was due to making poor decisions and being too impulsive. Finding love, in my opinion, is something that comes naturally, you won’t hit the jackpot just because it’s your favourite slot machine. In other words, we may have an idea about who fits our eligibility criteria, but it could be mostly based on our past experiences. Because you are used to a particular type does not mean that your type is actually the perfect match for you. Also, being aware of your mistakes in past relationships is important when pursuing a new one. You shouldn’t necessarily point out your mistakes to your new partner because they might expect the same behaviour down the line, but a personal reflection always helps you come out of bad habits. I say timing doesn’t matter, it’s the choices you make that will dictate your relationship, including your choice in a partner. At the beginning of the relationship there are definitely some good and bad qualities that you see in your partner, and if you’ve already fallen for them it’s easy to overlook all the bad ones. Obviously this is toxic and the relationship can end up in a disaster, but in the back of your head, you knew it wasn’t going to work out, yet you went ahead anyway. My advice to someone who cannot make conscious decisions about a partner is have patience; even though falling in love can be exciting, as I stated before, you can be signing up for a membership that you’d like to terminate in less than a year, and at a high cost to you. Therefore, love will come on its own time and while you’re waiting, you may want to enjoy doing things for yourself and spending more time with loved ones.

The key is time – LOTS of time. One cannot truly know if s/he loves someone until after at least a few months of knowing him or her. Of course, it is impossible to determine one’s character right away, which is why it is hard to know if one truly loves his or her other half during a relationship’s early stages. However, once months have passed – usually about six or seven, though the timing is different for everyone – there are surefire signs that one loves his or her significant other. These include:

• When one’s partner starts to look good… no matter what. Sure, some people may gravitate towards certain people at first because of their good looks, but not all people make physical appearance a category on their dating checklists. These sincere people may know they love their significant others when they begin to view the partners who once caused them to cringe before kissing as heartthrobs. No lighting is too harsh and no dress too unflattering on one whom one loves.
• When the little things that annoy someone… don’t. Everyone has their pet peeves, but people in love do not notice the traits they would normally consider “flaws” in their partners. They tend to find the presence of their other halves so pleasing that they can’t find anything negative about them.
• When one’s outlook on life becomes more positive… even if s/he is delusional. S/he starts to believe wishes really do come true and giggles a lot of the time. This euphoria comes from being in love and finding a marvellous person with whom to spend one’s time. As one anonymous person once said, “Love is like the sun coming out of the clouds and warming your soul.” That is, love – at least a healthy love – causes one to be joyous and have more hope than s/he has ever had before.

Although it is hard to pinpoint when one actually loves someone and to differentiate love from infatuation, the above guidelines should help one to do so. There is one major guiding principle of course: when one’s in love, s/he’ll know. An arbitrary like transforms into an unconditional love, and a person under love’s spell can’t deny it.

Many adolescent couples make the mistake of spewing out “I love you”s in the beginning phases of their relationships when they do not feel love, merely infatuation. While “I love you” is a flattering statement, people are obligated to be honest to their mates. On that note, it may take some time to determine whether or not someone is in love.  One should relax and enjoy the adventures s/he and a partner partake in, though, until the former is certain of his or her feelings.

There is hope though. There are ways for you to keep your relationship exciting and maintain a fond image of your partner. It simply depends on the health of your relationship. If your relationship contains verbal or physical abuse, constant arguments and/or cheating, couples’ therapy or ending the romance altogether could be the best solution. On the other hand, if your romance needs little to no work, below are some suggestions to regain the infatuation.

• Avoid unnecessary fights. If you and your companion usually get along well, then starting arguments over petty issues will only make your relationship more problematic and less fun for the both of you. You two will grow tired of each other quickly if you are constantly bickering, which is why it is best to reserve the anger for times when it is actually warranted.
• Remind yourself of why you were drawn to your other half. When you think of all the qualities that made you fall in love with your romantic companion, you will most likely be dreaming of him or her again. As Voltaire once said, “Love has features [that] pierce all hearts […] he wears a bandage [that] conceals the faults of those beloved.” And it is true; when you love someone, it is best to ignore his or her flaws, unless they are deal breakers, because there are more pros than cons to his or her personality.
• Do fun things. When you and your partner get out of the house and enjoy adventures together, you both not only bond but also add extra thrill to your relationship. This exhilarating feeling may relieve any unwanted tension between the two of you, bringing warm, blissful emotions back.
• Show your partner you care. You and your other half may find each other’s company even more delightful than usual when you periodically recognize each other’s strengths as people. This can be done through your giving of cards or letters, in which you each acknowledge each other’s virtues, or verbal statements that do the same. Your expressing your appreciation for your partner may make him or her elated as well as encourage your sweetheart to maintain or improve his or her persona.

As you can see, the key to possessing that “in love” feeling is to keep your relationship as light and fun as possible. Your having a positive attitude also helps. After all, we all have flaws, and every relationship has its dilemmas, but that does not mean that no one will make your dating experience worthwhile. As long as you remain calm and don’t regard every minor mishap as a catastrophe, you and your partner will remain content together.

All hope is not lost when it comes to making romance thrilling. Like many people, you may not think of them, but there are great ways to make your relationship more fun while earning extra points with your partner. This revamp of your love life merely requires a combination of chivalry and spontaneity.

When you plan a thoughtful surprise for your significant other, your flame may be awed by your sweetness and blown away by your unpredictable nature. And of course, you too can enjoy the last-minute adventures you spring on your darling. Here’s just some advice on how to make your relationship more exhilarating:

-Hide notes. By placing sweet notes, poems and/or songs you have written about your better half in areas where your sweetie is destined to look but not expecting to find them, your romantic companion may find you irresistibly charming. In addition, you may find delight in planting this pleasant surprise.

-Surprise your partner. Of course every day is a bit too often, but every once in a while, it is nice to surprise your partner with a small gift, out of the blue. Just some gift ideas include: flowers, items your partner has mentioned, jewellery, a home-cooked meal and chocolates – Ferrero Rochers can often be purchased in packages of three.

-Plan that getaway. If your partner has brought up a place that s/he wants to go and you have the money, then present him/her with trip tickets. Even if you two embark on a road trip or journey to a nearby city, you will enjoy your efforts thoroughly. This venture is a stress-reliever and a last-minute activity all in one.

The above ideas are just some ways to make your relationship more electrifying while showing your partner your thoughtful, caring side. According to relationship expert Barbara De Angelis, “The more connections you and your [other half] make […] between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.” This is true; there are everyday things you and your sweetie can partake in together, but every now and then you need to do something truly out-of-the-box to break the routine.

In addition, when you occasionally spoil your significant other or surprise him or her with a love letter or card, s/he is likely to be astounded by your thoughtfulness, excited by the gesture and feel appreciated. After all, it always feels good to show your honey that you are not like everyone else – that you’d go above and beyond for your sweetheart. Of course, splurging on your mate everyday can have disastrous effects – like not knowing whether s/he loves you for you or your amazing presents –but every once in a while, it is fun to treat your partner. Moreover, you’d be able to join in on the entertainment!

So it’s officially spring! A popular dating season when people are finding more time to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather. The temperature has been unpredictable throughout March; however, it should not discourage those who want to get back to an outdoor dating routine. During the winter, most of the activities were indoor and mellow due to cold weather, but spring is the time to get up and get out, as theme parks and other outdoor venues begin to open up to the public. Without further ado, here are some do’s and don’ts for spring dating:

Do: Give your undivided attention during your date. Sometimes being outdoor can mean being exposed to an array of sites, events and people who can be distracting. It could also be extremely relaxing (like in a patio setting), therefore, you will feel the temptation to start texting or doing things you normally would in the comfort of your home.

Don’t: Avoid bringing your work into your leisure time by keeping cell phones off at all times! There is nothing more annoying and frustrating than having your date stare at a text or an incoming call rather than into your eyes on a beautiful outdoor lunch.

Do: Travel together to refrain from meeting up at the destination. To avoid your date arriving late to a sports event that you have tickets for or a reservation that you have made with a restaurant, it is better to pick up or meet the person at a halfway point some time before the actual event/date occurs. That way you won’t be stranded selling your tickets in front of Rogers Center or cancelling with the restaurant last minute. Another advantage is the car conversation before the date, where you can get to know your date a little before enjoying the day out with them.

Don’t: Spending too much time grooming yourself before your date can result in arriving late. If you are aware of your time issues, try to plan ahead of the date so that you have enough time to get everything done. Whether you have to shave/straighten your hair or apply makeup and press your shirt before leaving, try giving yourself at least an extra hour just to make it on time.

Do: Be open to do something spontaneous. Being outdoor can influence a feeling of spontaneity because Toronto is a busy place with lots of exciting things to do. For example, dates nearby Yonge and Dundas can introduce you and your date to an event at Dundas Square. If your date went well, you can stop by to check out the event, thus, spending more time with your person of interest.

Don’t: Try not to rush home quickly near the end of your date. This may offend your date and can result in cancelling a possible second or third date. If your date suggests doing something that was not planned, which you do not have time for, simply state that you will take a rain check so that they understand you have other priorities. Do not start putting on your jacket before you and your date agree it is time to leave.

There are many other things one should pay attention to while on a date, such as listening attentively, opposed to talking about yourself the whole time. Paying attention to little details while on the date can take you and your date a long way, possibly and hopefully, a long lasting relationship.

You can handle others’ scrutiny by:
1) not caring;

Before you can truly ignore your friends’ views and not let them affect your ego or your actions, you must condition yourself to be strong enough not to care about their perspectives. All this takes is your having confidence in your relationship. Only you know what goes on between you and your partner and since you are most likely the one who knows him or her the best, only you – and your sweetheart – can decide what course of action is best for your relationship. If your partner has admitted to cheating, promised to be loyal from then on and you believe him or her, then feel free to believe him or her. A skeptic myself, I generally find it hard to give others the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve found that most of the time when an adult says that s/he is going to change, s/he generally does. That is why when others are pessimists about your relationship and you don’t exactly buy their cynicism, you should listen to your own judgment.

and
2) acknowledging fair advice.

Of course, only you – and your partner – know the details of your relationship thoroughly, meaning only you know what actions are appropriate for the situation. On the other hand, that is not to say you should let your feelings overcome your logic. For instance, pretend your significant other has used you for your wealth throughout the duration of your relationship. Your friends say staying with this deceitful trash bag spells bad news for you. After listening to them, you realize you have no desire to stay in the relationship but are reeled in by your love for your boyfriend or girlfriend. In this case, you should have enough pride to make the rational decision you’re longing to follow rather than let your emotions bind you unconditionally to someone with whom the romance isn’t genuine and with whom you’re unhappy.

Joan Rivers says, “Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.” We would all do well to pay attention to her. Friends can give sound advice at times and you may benefit from taking it, but at other times, there are more solutions to a problem than plotting revenge or calling quits to a romantic partnership. There is always couples’ therapy, discussing the problem with your sweetheart and/or having faith in your partner to change for the better. Slight dilemmas do not always have to inspire goodbyes between lovers. In fact, they can be the beginnings of long lasting bliss.