You’ve been there or seen it. I’ve been there myself. Sometimes, two people aren’t just friends.

Sometimes a friendship can be a cover for romantic interest. Or maybe the interest develops in time, within the framework of the friendship. Regardless of how it starts, there are some important things to keep in mind, whether you’re the one interested or the object of interest.

1. It might not be a big deal. Sometimes the attraction will go away in time, or a new relationship will enter the picture and displace the attraction. If that happens, you don’t even need to talk about it! But sometimes the desire for romance doesn’t fade, or new relationships don’t soak up the interest (or maybe even happen at all), in which case action is required.

2. Make your feelings known. If you’re the one with interest, show it. Maybe that means a surprise romantic gesture, or maybe it means having a conversation with your friend and disclosing your true feelings. If you’re on the receiving end of the interest, make it clear that you’re only interested in friendship. And if you’re pretty sure that your friend is interested and you know that you aren’t, you’re not off the hook: make sure they know that nothing is going to happen.

3. Give it time. If you’ve both been honest and you both know how you feel, let things settle. Maybe they move in one direction or the other, but you shouldn’t be in any rush or try to force things. If things stay the same, though, you have to be prepared for the final step.

4. Walk away. Sometimes two people just aren’t quite compatible, and keeping the friendship alive ends up doing you both a disservice. This is especially important if you’re the one harboring romantic interest: if you’ve tried to move things in a non-platonic direction and it hasn’t worked, you will probably just end up hurting yourself. The friendly intimacy will help you to fool yourself into thinking that you’re close to a relationship when you really aren’t.

I was part of a great friendship, a friendship that lasted for many years, but most of the time, if I wasn’t with another girl, I wanted to be dating my friend. We talked about it a few times, and each time she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in me that way. Unfortunately, my feelings for her didn’t change, nor did hers for me, and we had to go our separate ways.

There are friendships with undercurrents of attraction all the time, and not all of them require direct action, but if the issue becomes too intense or lingers for too long, both parties owe it to themselves and to each other to work things out. There’s no need to be masochistic by deluding yourself into thinking you have a chance with someone when you really don’t. Be honest with yourself and with your friend, and things will end up alright.

THE BOOK – All Your Juiciest Stories

It all started with a book! Back in 2004 my girl Carissa started collecting stories from women across North America about the men in and
out of their lives. After only a matter of weeks, hundreds of stories had been submitted and Carissa’s lovely face was seen in papers and on
televisions all over Canada! Buy the book online!  What can I say girls, IT WAS A HIT! With a 500+ person launch party and
a couple thousand copies of The Book sold within weeks of its release,
Stories From Our Black Books was born!

The Book is a compilation of the juiciest, the most moving, the funniest
and the most influential stories that you’ve submitted!  Our new version
of The Book is scheduled to launch February 14th, 2010, you don’t want
to miss getting your copy.  We are still collecting stories now! Don’t
hesitate! Click on My Black Book and start submitting your stories
today! They may just be part of the next edition.

Flirt With Me – Submit a Story! www.storiesfromourblackbooks.com.

 —————————————————-

Here’s more information about the book party release:

We all have our insecurities. That’s why it may boggle some of us when a love interest spends the majority of a date sending text messages, while we do all the talking. However, there is likely no need to worry.

In addition to non-stop texting, these are just some of the dating behaviours I have experienced while on dates with men who allegedly were very interested in me:

-Ogling the profiles of females nearby;
-Not acknowledging my comments throughout a movie;
-Cancelling of a birthday dinner (that I was prepared to splurge on), because he was too tired;
-Watching him smile as girls flirted with him, although he turned them down; and
-Him suggesting that we spend time with one of his companions, who is also a woman, on a third date.

While I regarded these behaviours as disrespectful, and some or all of them probably were, each of these flings managed to turn into long-term relationships. Thus, I feel that as daters, we shouldn’t read into signs too much. Not to mention, while on the dating scene, no one is completely committed to us, nor are we to them. Therefore, one should not be offended that another person is not showing him or her devotion until the two enter a meaningful relationship. However, if a date’s behaviour is completely off-putting to someone, then that person is entitled to end romantic relations with the culprit.

There are, of course, particular cases where rude or unusual behaviour may be an indication of a person’s character. For instance, some signals may be clues that a person is untrustworthy, and other signs may hint that a person won’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. There are clear-cut signs and there are vague ones. Sometimes, there are none at all. Whatever the case, one will not know how a person will act during a relationship unless they experience a relationship with him or her. That’s why the concept of breakups exists. Thus, I feel it is important for one to put their insecurities aside when dating. Enjoy the experience. Whatever the outcome, the process was amusing and made us feel desirable.

The temptation is to pout about it to yourself and the people close to you, and expect the whole world to devote its energies to rectifying the situation.

That usually doesn’t help.

It’s important to keep yourself positive when things aren’t going well. This doesn’t mean ignoring the bad things, but rather keeping them in context. Let’s look at an example.

Let’s imagine that a guy named Ray gets dumped. He spends some time brooding about it, but after a while he decides that he should go out and meet some women, and maybe find someone he likes spending time with. After six months, though, he’s had no success. He hasn’t gotten so much as a phone number.

He spends his time whining to his friends about how the women in this city are stuck up, or how he has no luck, or how it’s all just a stupid game. How do his friends react?

Most of them probably get less interested the more they hear. Maybe they try to help Ray out, though, and introduce him to some interesting women. What kind of impression is Ray going to give? Even if he puts on a smile and tries, if he’s got lingering resentment or despair, he’s not going to give off good vibes when he’s meeting someone new.

Here are three useful things that everyone can do to help improve their outlook and, in doing so, have a better time meeting new people:

1. When you catch yourself complaining about something, stop immediately and try to think of something, anything, that’s positive about the situation. If you’ve told a joke to a pretty woman and the joke fell flat, and now she’s talking to someone else, figure out how you could improve the delivery of the joke and get ready to try again.

2. Force a smile. As long as you can keep a smile on your face that looks at least slightly natural, it will have beneficial effects on your mood. Other people will see you smiling and will smile at you, which will reinforce the good feelings. And perhaps simply because our biology associates smiling with happiness, the simple act of turning up the corners of your mouth will encourage your mind to stay positive.

3. Set smart goals when you go out. Don’t think “I want to go home with a hottie,” think “I want to meet interesting people.” And then follow through: be willing to talk to people you might not normally, including girls or guys you know you wouldn’t want to romance. The good vibes you’ll start to build up enhance your confidence and help make you a more interesting and attractive person.

The higher you keep your attitude, the better the returns. Everyone wants to spend time with people who make them feel good about themselves and their lives. Work to become that person and it’ll come back to you.

These are Hallmark days we’re living in; there’s an occasion for everything.

I don’t care if you’ve been with her for ten weeks or ten years:
When one of those occasions rolls around, it’s on you to find the right gift.

Not necessarily the prettiest, shiniest, or most expensive gift.

The right gift.

To a man, we’re still just as dumbfounded at the concept of shopping for the fairer sex as we’ve ever been—if not more.

Not necessarily dumb, fellas—

–dumbfounded.

After all, there’s an etiquette to buying that-certain-something—these days, there’s just as many rules for gift giving as there are days that (unofficially, of course) demand it.

Here’s a couple tips on surviving ‘till the next occasion.

-Hold back a little.

Sure, you’ve been with her for three months, and now, finally, that first birthday-anniversary-special occasion-just-because has rolled around. You want to impress her. You want to floor her, to send her giggling hysterically to her next coffee date with her just-as-impressed friends.

Don’t.

You’re setting the bar here, guys—although she may not realize it (–unless she’s one in a million, in which case: marry her already–) this random (though still somewhat expected) act of kindness sets the bar for all of your other random acts of kindness to follow.

So put the credit card down, hotshot.

You’ve got plenty more chances to whip it out ahead.

-Christmas is coming.

Sometime within the next 365 days, anyways.

This ties into the previous point—while it’s positively amazing that you spoil her on occasion (–and she does deserve it–) you have to remember that, in this consumer-driven society, Christmas is the Motherload of ‘occasions.’

And it’s coming.

Plan accordingly.

-Do it for the right reasons.

Getting laid is fun. And important (to us, anyways.)

It is not a reason to treat her to something special.

-It’s not about the cost.

Stop laughing, fellas. It’s true. If you take the time to make her something, or, heaven forbid, use your head and come up with something clever to get her—something that reminds her of a time you shared, or a special moment together—it’ll mean more than some random, thoughtless bauble.

Regardless of said random baubles’ cost.

For the most part.

So there you have it—it’s all about the thought behind the gift (behind the occasion.)

Put some effort into it—make it mean something—hell, make it mean something to both of you—and the dividends are great.

If you’re lucky, they might just be greater than the standard you’ve now set for yourself.

Maybe you’re the sort of person who knows that you wouldn’t have listened if someone had told you that things weren’t going very well.  Maybe the people who know you well also know that about you and just didn’t bother.  The truth is, most of us need to learn these lessons for ourselves.  This makes it all the more difficult if there’s someone close to you who’s in a bad situation and just doesn’t seem to know it.  What do you do if someone you really care about is mired in a terrible relationship?

First of all, realize that most people aren’t going to want to hear the direct approach.  ”We need to talk.”  Those words starting this kind of conversation usually result in a storm-off by someone.  Don’t even try it.

A better idea is to wait until a bad situation arises and the person comes to you.  If they’re venting, let them.  If they ask for advice, give them your honest opinion.  If the chance comes up to get in some harsh words about their significant other, do not take it.

If you’re determined to get in your pot shots, it’s time for a bit of reverse psychology.  If your friend complains that the guy she’s dating never makes a nice dinner, say something like “I’m sure he does other romantic things for you, like surprises you with flowers”  If your brother says the girl he’s seeing gets extremely jealous when he spends time with his friends, you could say “She probably just wants to spend as much quality time with you as she can.”

Maybe the person agrees with you and remembers some of the great things about the relationship.  Don’t fight that.  If you do, the person you’re trying to help will become defensive and will dig in their heels, fighting to protect something they care about from an outsider.  However, if they go the other way and start to talk about some of the less desirable things in the relationship, you should just listen and let them talk.

These types of comments allow you to explore the situation with the other person in a way that isn’t threatening or overly negative, and you’re protecting yourself by keeping things positive.  That’s important, because let’s face it, you are meddling in someone else’s life.  And that’s OK, as long as you keep it reasonable.  It’s what friends and family are for, just remember to be smart about it.  And remember to think about how you feel when people give you advice you weren’t necessarily looking for… but may have needed to hear.

When she overcooks the lasagna.

When she lets the dog on your Grandmother’s couch; when she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.

When she looks at you cock-eyed.

Hell, you’re frustrated by just about everything.

What you fail to realize—what you so very desperately need to realize—is that your frustrations really have nothing to do with her, at all.

You’re in a rut, superstar.

And you’re projecting your frustrations, your inadequacies, and your anxieties onto her.

Now, before you panic—just as the light bulb in your brain goes off—

–relax.

We all do this from time to time.

We’re men, after all.

The solution, obviously, starts (–as you probably figure most things do–) with you.

Specifically, how you view her.

The everyday things—the lasagna, the dog and Grandma’s couch—signify that you need to shake things up; to get away from the routine you’ve fallen into, and the focus it has made you put on the (perceived) shortcomings of your partner.

A couple of dates outside your comfort zone will have you viewing her in a different light, as you re-discover (–or discover–) aspects about her you forgot or failed to see before.

Say you like going to the movies.

Screw the movies.

Take her rock climbing instead.

Say you love a picnic in the park (–and yes, it’s okay to admit that–)

–bet you’d love a picnic on a rented sailboat even more.

Say, (–because you will, initially–) that you don’t have the capital to be making wild, extravagant plans right now. Say the last quarter hit you harder than Billy in seventh grade, and your budget is tighter than the drawstring on her trackpants.

Loosen them up with creative, inexpensive dates.

A weekend away, but at a bed-and-breakfast instead of the Hilton.

Zip-lining a cave instead of swimming with dolphins.

Bottom line, there are options out there; best of all, your creativity will yield unexpected results, and help you to see other aspects of your partner.

Who knows—maybe she’ll even get over the million things she dislikes about you.

It’s okay to admit it; she’s known for a while, and she still puts up with you. Really, it’s just one of your many shortcomings, right fellas? You leave dishes out, you’re chronically late (–or obsessively early–) you tend to miss days between showers.

And still, somehow, you’re able to delude yourself into believing you’re the man.

You believe—somewhere deep, deep down—somewhere you go in moments of crushing insecurity—that, should your lady leave, you’ll be able to find another.

Somebody as beautiful as her; someone as intelligent as her, someone (most importantly) as patient as her.

You’re wrong.

What we, as a group—and to a man—need to realize—is that if we’re fortunate enough to have a good woman in our lives, we’re plenty lucky enough.

We don’t need to be in the mirror as much as we are.

Hell, we don’t need to be in the bar as much as we are, either.

What we should be doing—as a group, and to a man—is thanking whatever-deity-we-choose-to-thank that we’re lucky enough to hold down a woman who is probably better off without us.

We should be spending more time cooking dinners.

We should be spending more time showing up for the dinners they cook for us.

We should be avoiding the bars, and the pick-up games, and the million-and-two other things we focus on, when we’re deluded into believing they’ll put up with us either way.

When we’re deluded into believing we’re the man, and that if she goes—finally having had enough of whatever it is we focus on instead of her—we’ll find someone comparable.

We won’t.

See, there really is nothing more comforting to us—as a group, and to a man—than knowing some girl is at home, waiting to hear about our triumphs and defeats.

Waiting to console us when we need it; to be there for us when we’re foolish enough to believe we don’t.

Waiting to be the source of the feeling that puts us in front of the mirror—the source that forces that smile on our faces.

The source that deludes us—as a group, and to a man—into believing we’re THE man.

Because, really, it’s all because—and all for—them anyways.

So the next time you’re in front of the mirror—or off to the bar, or the pickup game—reconsider the reason you’re so damned confident—

–and thank her for putting up with you in the first place.

For real this time.

Because this time, you’re not meeting her mother.

No, Romeo; you’re meeting her Daddy.

Here’s how to survive.

First of all, realize that, yes, it’s Daddy. Not ‘Father,’ not ‘Sir (–well, to you, he’s sir, but to her–)

Yeah.

Daddy.

Which means she’s Daddy’s Little Girl—which means you’re the guy who’s taking her away.

Which means you’re the bad guy.

Fellas, this is okay—just remember, when you’re shaking his hand (and trying to shake it as hard as he is–) and when you’re trying to look him in the eyes (–because you know he’s looking into yours–) that, someday, you’re going to have a daughter of your own.

And that someday, some jackass is going to take her away from you.

All of a sudden, (–probably as he’s crushing your hand—) you can see where the big guy is coming from.

This has nothing to do with age, either—whether you’re fifteen or thirty-five (and, hopefully, she’s in the ballpark; otherwise, you’re screwed) any Dad worth his salt will react to meeting you the exact same way.

Call it ‘guarded optimism;’ sure, right now, (–as you’re trying to regain the feeling in your fingers–) the look on his face says ‘I’m gonna kill you.’

Trust me, deep down, he’s hoping you’re the guy who’s gonna treat her right.

(You can’t blame him if ‘The-guy-who-made-her-cry-senior-year’ and ‘The-guy-who-left-her-in-a-bodega-in-Mexico’ are flashing across his subconscious as you tell him you’ve only got the best intentions for his baby.)

Remember this, and you’re halfway home.

Now, let’s say you’re invited into the living room (–or the corner booth at Daddy’s Little Girl’s favorite restaurant–) to formally introduce yourself. This is the ‘job interview’ portion of the meeting; and there are definitely some topics you want to discuss—and some you want to avoid.

-Playing ‘Johnny-Big-Wheel’=murder.
No, it doesn’t matter that you make 60k a year, and that you’re investment portfolio is ‘promising.’

He’s her father.

This means he makes more than you. And if, by some miracle, he doesn’t—you damn well better pretend he does.

-Reminiscing about your glory days means you don’t have any left. Sure, you were All-State back in the day. While I can appreciate the attempt to butter him up with sports stories, the only words to come out of your (probably-unworthy) mouth are better suited for praising Daddy’s Little Girl.

-On the topic of sports: if his favorite team comes up in conversation, you damn well better admit that you like Said Team.

Even if Said Team sucks.

Even if Said Team are your team’s division rivals, and even if admitting you like Said Team kills you a little inside.

He’s her father.

He could kill you, more than a little, and more than inside.

(*The exception to this, of course, is if said team is the Indianapolis Colts. They suck so hard, they’re beyond defending.)

Make no mistake about it; meeting her father is like going to war. Only, (hopefully,) without the wanton destruction and needless atrocities.

The best way to come out alive (–because, as in war, nobody comes out unscathed–) is to bow your admittedly unworthy head, acquiesce to his superiority, and admit that, despite the Colts, you have one thing in common.

You both love Daddy’s Little Girl.

It won’t win you the war—but, if you really mean it—you may live to fight another day.

Not just the way she makes you feel—

–or the things she does for you—

you genuinely, deeply, really-really love the girl.

You’re just not in love anymore, and that’s okay.

There are ways to let her go, without losing her forever—ways to give you both the space you probably need (–probably, because, if she’s a good girl, there’s a very good chance you’re making a mistake.)

-Tell her the truth.
I know, fellas—this seems weird; you’re wondering if it would be better to sugar-coat it.
Let’s face it; ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ doesn’t sound good.
It hurts.
It should.
You’re leaving her—hard enough—the least you can do is be a man about it.

-Tell her the truth somewhere she feels comfortable.
You don’t want to sandbag her—taking her out to your favorite restaurant—your very
public favorite restaurant—not a good place to induce tears.
(It’s the equivalent of setting up the pins, and then throwing a strike.)

-Leave the door open.
No, that doesn’t mean keep her number in your phone for drunken-booty calls at 3 am.
She’s going to be vulnerable. Do NOT take advantage of this.
One day, soon, she’s not going to vulnerable, and she’ll remember what a dick you are.

-Give her time.
She needs to get over you (–it’s not as hard as you think–) which means girl-talk and nights out and nights in and nights without you.
You wanted this, stud-muffin.
Deal with it.

-After giving the appropriate amount of time, call her.
Again, this is not to ‘hook up.’ This is to see, genuinely, how she feels.
If you genuinely don’t care how she feels, then you skip this step.
(And again, she’s probably better off without you.)

-Take time for yourself.
Not binge drinking and playing fantasy football—those are things you were probably
lucky enough to do (on occasion) when you were with her. No, take time to evaluate
what you want out of a relationship, and just what it was about her that made you
believe it couldn’t work in the first place.

-Have a good cry.
It’s coming, fellas—sooner or later, amidst all of this, you’re going to believe (correctly or incorrectly) that you’ve thrown away the best thing that ever happened to you.

You probably have.

You’re an idiot.

Deep breath—we’re all idiots.

-Beg her to take you back.
And, next time, think before you open your mouth.

The grass is greener and all that.

After all;

You love her, right?

Not just the way she makes you feel—

–or the things she does for you—

you genuinely, deeply, really-really love the girl.

Good girls are hard to come by;

foolish boys, (unfortunately for us–)

–not so much.